Is That Indgestion or a Heartbeat?

Week 9, Day 5

The last couple of weeks have been rough. I'm crabby. I'm tired. I'm not hungry and the food that does sound good either has gluten in it or it's not in my refrigerator. And even when I do have the food I crave in stock, I've lost interest in it within 30 seconds.

So I ask, "When does the whole glowing stage of this pregnancy thing begin?"

The answer: This morning at 8:47!

Today was my first prenatal appointment with the doctor and we got to hear Ambric's heartbeat.

Our chances of hearing the heartbeat were 50/50 according to Dr. E, because I am only 10 weeks, 5 days (at this appointment she also pushed my due date back a week to April 1st). I tried to not get my hopes up, but I so desperately wanted to hear a heartbeat-- I wanted to hear that last confirmation that yes, indeed I am pregnant.

At first there was a lot of "other noise" -mostly my breakfast digesting. Then is came across, fast and strong. There is no explaining the feeling that comes over you when you hear the steady whump, whump, whump.

It was hard for me not to burst into tears and start crying, "Thank you. Thank you, God."

Before my colectomy, I was pretty adamant that I didn't want to have children. My surgery saved my life, it also gave me what I thought I wanted-- the possible inability to conceive. And like all rash wishes, I realized how much I didn't want it, once I got it.

After I married Eric I felt guilty. I knew he wanted children and he knew about me. But once we started 'not, not trying' and month after month went by, I started to blame myself. I should have done more to convince him that I was a bad choice, that I was defective.

Not only was this self talk destructive to me, but it also hurt Eric. I thought I was only blaming myself, but I was also undermining Eric. Of course he knew my health history. He understood what "possible infertility" would mean for him. Despite all that he accepted, and still does, that colitis is just something that happened to me and that we'd deal with it as necessary. Love isn't just getting through the rough times as they come up, it's also knowing what those rough times are going to be and still saying, "I do".